This book project that I’ve been working on has been finished and is at the printer! I designed the cover and the insides over the past couple of months, working with Arushi and some really fantastic authors. I fedexed the galleys back to the printer yesterday and it should be shipping by the end of the month!  Here’s the link to the book on Amazon.com.

Dorothy looked, and gave a little cry of fright. There, indeed, just under the corner of the great beam the house rested on, two feet were sticking out, shod in silver shoes with pointed toes.

“Oh, dear! Oh, dear!” cried Dorothy, clasping her hands together in dismay. “The house must have fallen on her. Whatever shall we do?”

Did you know that L. Frank Baum’s The Wonderful Wizard of Oz (and the rest of his Oz) books are public domain? I didn’t, until I came across a site (thanks, Wil Wheaton!) called DailyLit. DailyLit has a catalog of hundreds of public domain books, and will e-mail you, for free, a few paragraphs of whichever books you’re interested in, daily or on a schedule of your choosing. Each selection takes less than five minutes to read. It’s a brilliant concept, for those of us who want to read more but can’t ever seem to find the time to sit down with a book.

My mom sent up a bankers box full of papers of mine she’s saved since I was very young. Drawings, stories, report cards, school programs, and more. I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of what’s inside.

I found a book I made in December 1983, made of sheets of colored construction paper (do they even make this stuff anymore? Thick soft-surfaced felty paper, in dull colors or the ubiquitous beige called “manila”) and held together by yarn and holiday ribbon through hole punches. It’s called “This is Me and my Family!!” In it I wrote stories about a perfect day with my family, what would happen if I had to leave my home, a blue ribbon, a mystery story about me going missing, and…

Yukky Little Brothers

Here is a list of good and bad things concerning little brothers (To your advantage or disadvantage)

Good Things.

1. You don’t get hand-me downs.
2. You get to boss them around.
3. You get to babysit. [this was a GOOD thing? -ed.]
4. You go to bed later than they do.

Bad Things.

1. You have to set examples.
2. You’re stuck with all the chores.
3. You have to share.
4. You have to do everything for them: Ex - get the cereal down.
5. They’re tattletales.
6. They never get in trouble, “they don’t know any better.”
7. They always watch what they want on T.V.

The best part is the 11-page photo album at the back of the book. I don’t remember a lot of these pictures, and there sure are some cute ones, like the following of Mike when he was maybe 3 or 4.

This weekend my mom brought me some cookbooks from the late 1800s and early 1900s that she doesn’t want to take with her when she moves next summer. Old cookbooks fascinate me, I guess because it gives you a real sense of what everyday life was like. It’s interesting to learn what types of ingredients were available (or not available or not yet invented or I have no freakin’ clue what something is) and especially what was common knowledge at the time, which you can deduce by noticing what techniques are and aren’t explained. And the vocabulary was so different! Words like quickset, mercurochrome, black-draught, whiting, table sauce, farina-kettle seemed to be common usage.

Women by and large knew how to cook because they had to. (Ruffled feather disclaimer: I’m sure that men were certainly capable and some were happy to cook as well). Not only was cooking generally thought of as “woman’s work” and most women were homemakers, but almost all meals were either eaten at home or packed and carried. Today, by contrast, even for someone like me who loves to cook and probably does so more than the average person, I eat my meals out probably 25% of the time.

Anyway, my point is that because it was expected that the audience for a cookbook would already know all the basics and many of the advanced methods, nobody wasted the paper or ink on detailed instructions for each recipe. So you get things like a list of ingredients (some with precise weights or volumes, and some with “an egg-sized piece of” or “fifteen cents’ worth” or “enough” as the amount) with the lone instruction: “Bake.”

We’re spoiled today by the variety and quality of ingredients. American women of 100 years ago didn’t have as much to work with. And boy, was Jello a favorite.

Crust Coffee
(from “For the Invalid’s Tray” section of Aunt Jane’s New and Revised Cook Book and Suggestions for Farm Home and Stock, circa 1929)
Toast bread on both sides until a deep brown. Place in a bowl, pour over 1 cup boiling hot water. As soon as it is cool enough to drink add cream and sugar if desired. This has been known to quench thirst.

What could be better than toast tea, suspected of quenching thirst? Hmm… how about fish jello?

Jellied Tuna
(also in Aunt Jane’s, but surprisingly not under an “Emetics” heading)
1 package McConnon’s Lemon Quickset
1 cup boiling water
1 cup cold water, less 2 tablespoons
2 tablespoons vinegar
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup tuna fish, flaked
1 cup peas, fresh cooked or canned
2 tablespoons pimiento, finely chopped
1/2 cup mayonnaise

Dissolve Quickset in the boiling water. Stir in and dissolve 3 heaping tablespoons sugar. In a measuring cup put 2 tablespoons of vinegar and fill the cup with cold water. Add to Quickset mixture. Add salt, also chill. When slightly thickened, fold in remaining ingredients. Turn into individual molds. Chill until firm. Garnish with additional mayonnaise.

Also in Aunt Jane’s, a handy-dandy first aid guide. Did you know that in case of cinders in the eye, you should rub soft paper up like a lamp-lighter and wet the tip to remove, or use a medicine dropper to draw it out? (The word “cinders” always reminds me of the book series “The Great Brain” by John D. Fitzgerald, that I absolutely loved when I was a kid.) Or, if the cinders prove to be too much, “tests of death” include: Hold mirror to mouth. If living, moisture will gather. Push pin into flesh – if dead the hole will remain, if alive it will close up.

The Rumford Common Sense Cook Book, circa 1930 and published by Rumford Chemical Works, makers of Rumford Baking Powder, insists that for school lunches, “boys like plain folding lunch boxes, girls prefer daintiness of equipment.” Apparently kids in the 1930s liked to eat sandwiches made from sardines with plenty of lemon juice. I’m sure that smelled fantastic by the time noon rolled around!

Tamales, acccording to The Good Eats Cook Book by the Housekeepers of Kent, Wash., circa 1900, consisted of green pepper halves stuffed with a mixture of tomatoes, bread crumbs, ketchup, and “table sauce,” tied with a string, and boiled for a half hour. Or just stuff them with meat and bake. The inside front cover of this little recipe pamphlet had an ad for Look’s Bazaar, with a recipe for a “Modern Up-To-The-Minute ‘Woman’”. What does this ‘Woman’ consist of, you may ask?

Take dainty undermuslins, add to this the best hosiery made (THE TOPSY HOSE) add two parts corset (The ROYAL WORCESTER of course) one for Sunday and one for common, and mix thoroughly. Then take a generous measure of shirt waists (you never can have too many), add to this a couple of nice silk petticoats (The Morris Brand) and a mixture of outside skirts (or if desired, the materials for them can be supplied by us). For a frosting or finishing touch add a few collars and belt pins, hair ornaments, fancy collars, head scarfs (ribbons may be used if not over 30). Mix all these parts thoroughly and you have the MODERN UP-TO-THE-MINUTE “WOMAN”

Sixteen layers of clothing, some whalebone rib compression (hey, who needs to breathe, really?), two hours later, and I’m ready to start my Washing Monday!

Good times.

In a textbook case of irony that is likely going completely unnoticed by the parties in question, a father and daughter in Conroe are attempting to get Ray Bradbury’s classic novel “Fahrenheit 451″ banned from the library. Not only are they attempting to ban a story about a society where it is illegal to read books and think or speak freely, they attempted to do so during National Banned Books Week.

Now, I know the child is only 15 years old, but her statement still kills me:

“The book had a bunch of very bad language in it,” Diana Verm said. “It shouldn’t be in there because it’s offending people. … If they can’t find a book that uses clean words, they shouldn’t have a book at all.”

Although it’s not too hard to see where she gets it from:

“It’s just all kinds of filth,” said [her father] Alton Verm, adding that he had not read “Fahrenheit 451.” … He said the book’s material goes against their religious beliefs.

Nevermind that students may always choose to read an alternative book to any assigned reading. The Verms seem to think that their religious beliefs should be applied to everyone.

I was talking with Yvonne the other night about book deals and advances. Today she sent me this link. Apparently Arushi and I got A Shitty Deal (individually; together we moved up into the Contemptible Deal category) on our book.

But there’s so many factors: the market for your book. The size of the publisher. Whether you’re a first time author or not. Etc. etc. etc. Anyway, we just wanted to write it no matter the outcome, and were pleasantly (and emphatically) surprised when a publisher bought it. My main goal was just to write a book; after that actually happened, the secondary goal was just to get people to read it. Writing is art. Only the lucky ones make a living at it. The advance was, for me, a nice little surprise bonus in return for doing something I would have done anyway.

$0 to $3,000: A Shitty Deal. Because that’s what it is, my friends. Possibly the only thing worse than a shitty deal is no deal at all. Possibly. 

$3,000 to $5,000: A Contemptible Deal. The deal you get when your publisher has well and truly got your number, and it is low.

$5,000 to $10,000: A “Meh” Deal. It’s not great, you know. But you can pay some bills. Get a few of these, and a tolerant spouse with a regular income, and you can tell your day job to piss off. This year, anyway.

$10,000 to $20,000: A Not Bad Deal. Note that “not bad” here should be said with a slight appreciative rise of the eyebrows and a small approving nod — this is the level at which the money begins to look not embarrassing both to writers and non-writers. A couple of these, and you’ll definitely be punting the day job (I did, anyway).

$20,000 to $100,000: A “Shut Up!” Deal. This needs to be said in the same enviously admiring vocal tone as a teenage girl might use to her girlfriend who is showing off the delicious new pumps she got at Robinsons-May for 30% off, or the vocal tone (same idea, lower register) Jim Kelly used when one of our number admitted to having at least a couple of deals in this range. With this kind of money, you don’t even need a supportive spouse to avoid the Enforced Top Ramen Diet (although, you know. Having one doesn’t hurt). But it’s not so much that the other writers actively begin to hate you.

$100,000 and above: “I’m Getting the Next Round.” Because if you’re at this level, you can buy and sell all the other writers at the table. Get ‘em a friggin’ beer, for God’s sake (ironically, this is the only level not thought up at the bar, but in the cold hard light of the next morning, by Shara Zoll).

Yvonne’s book is really good. It’s a very compelling story and I’m having a hard time putting it down. I’m on page 226. I’ll probably get to 300 tonight before making myself go to bed.

I don’t fully understand a lot of the Spanish, which she sprinkles throughout, but I’m not sure that I need to. I kind of get it through context alone.

Usually I only read one book at a time, but I abandoned David Brin’s “Brightness Reef” right in the middle to read this one.

I am so excited! I get to read a new book before it’s published!! Yvonne is letting me read her novel. Can’t type now, have to go get started on it!

now THESE are romance novels as they should be!!

We just got done with our weekend being “celebrity chefs” at the Women’s Expo. It was quite surreal. I wasn’t nervous at all getting up on a stage in front of 100+ people. I think that when I am doing something with my hands, and am talking about something that I know and feel comfortable talking about, I do better. Anyway, these demos are much much easier than a straight book signing where we don’t actually get to cook.

Sometimes I wonder if I really do know more about cooking than the average person, and then I meet someone like I met this weekend, a very nice single woman who was amazed when I told her that she could easily cut any of the recipes in half to make one serving. She asked me to explain how, and I was taken a little off guard, but recovered quickly and nicely showed her how you just halve all the ingredient amounts, or write it in the margins, and make the recipe with that instead. So 2 tablespoons becomes 1 tablespoon, and 2/3 cup becomes 1/3 cup, etc. I think that it wouldn’t have actually occurred to her to do that otherwise.

Arushi and Shyamal might move to Seattle. They will probably know this week. I keep telling her that Seattle is a great place to live (and for me to visit), and that would expand our market to two major cities instead of just the one, but that I am NOT, I emphatically repeat NOT, doing any of this stuff by myself. No solo signings, demos, classes. I just can’t do it on my own. I do OK in front of a crowd these days, but it is only because she is there standing beside me and I trust her to pick it up when I need her to. Without her watching my six, I’m screwed. I’ll revert back to the old deer-in-the-headlights stuff, the throwing up from nerves, not eating for two days beforehand type stuff.

So… YES to Seattle! NOOOO to Seattle! Yes! No! Yes! No! Sigh.

We’re going to be featured on Mr. Food , a nationally syndicated 90-second “vignette” that runs during newscasts. It’s a segment on June Brides, and is supposed to air next June. A ways off, but still very cool.

Also, Arushi talked SMU into giving away copies of our book as donation incentives, or thank you gifts, or something. I don’t know if it’s for the President’s Scholars (a full-tuition scholarship program that Arushi was part of in college) or if it’s for general donations or what, but they’re supposed to work out some sort of deal.

My latest dream: being at Lisa’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, along with a whole bunch of random people including my parents. I did not have any shoes, and I needed some to go roller skating after dinner, so Lisa dug around in her closet and asked me what size I wore. I told her, and she pulled out a pair of low-cut red leather roller skates. They fit. I asked her why she had a pair of skates that weren’t her size, and she said that she found them out by the dumpster. I put on the skates but I couldn’t get my footing so I had to crawl on my stomach across the house to the dining table so I could eat.

Women’s Expo is this Saturday and Sunday. There’s a tilted mirror above the stage — woot!!! It’ll be just like being on a cooking show. We aren’t allowed to give samples, but we plan to make the ratatouille and send the aroma of sizzling garlic and tomatoes throughout the showroom floor. We’re on at lunchtime, so with any luck, this will translate into sales!!

Random thoughts: IKEA. Baby wiener dogs, approximately $100 per pound. The angels want to wear my red shoes. Gothic weasel stomp. Carnation Instant Bitch. The Ben Stiller Show is really damn funny. Strapping Leslie into a lawnchair on the roof of the Mini Cooper. Tofu and brown rice. Hey! Are you talking to me? Or are you just practicing for one of those performances you do? HA!